The Blame Game

Greetings, thank you so much for checking out the blog again today. I have the awesome opportunity to attend and speak at Grace Bible Church in Bozeman Montana for their Biblical Counseling Conference beginning today. I would appreciate your prayers as I will be delivering a talk on anger and then leading a case study on domestic violence that afternoon. Peace, -Chris

Blame

“Acquitting the guilty and condemning the innocent—the Lord detests them both.”   Proverbs 17:15

Among the most common responses I hear from men who abuse their partners is, “It’s not my fault.” There is always something or someone to blame. Many men will go to great lengths to show how innocent they are at the expense of others, circumstances, or substances. Most commonly men blame their partners.

“She pushed my buttons.”

“She attacked me first.”

“She made all this up.”

Often times they may also blame their circumstances or substances.

“I’d lost my job.”

“Our kids are out of control!”

“I was drunk/high at the time.”

The excuses vary but the motive is the same, I am not responsible for my actions. If an abusive person can effectively shift the blame then he removes the potential source of accountability that will confront his wrongdoing. That’s the goal isn’t it? If we choose not to accept responsibility for our actions, and the consequences our actions produce there is little hope for change.

The Power to Change

A man in our program said to me recently, “I was miserable trying to control everyone and everything. It was a trap, and I couldn’t get out until I recognized that I was the problem.” Freedom can only be found when we acknowledge that our actions, attitudes, desires, and beliefs are harming others. You must accept responsibility for your actions and stop the blame game. You see it’s not your partner’s fault that you hurt her, manipulated her, used her, or neglected her. Those were your choices. You’re not a toaster oven! You don’t have buttons to push. It also wasn’t alcohol, some other substance, or a poor circumstance that led you to your abuse. It was you. Oh I know you experience pressure and are tempted to explode but you can choose not to.

Final Thought

1Cointhinas 10:13 has a powerful reminder for you.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

Notice there is no promise you won’t be tempted by your pride to control, demean, or hurt. There is also no promise that life will go your way and you won’t feel pressure. The promise is that you can endure the pressure, stand against the temptation. In other words friend, if you are a Christian you have no excuse, no right, and no permission to harm another person because you are uncomfortable. You are responsible for your actions. If you want to experience growth and change the time for blame is over, and the time for ownership is here.

What do you think?

Do you have a tendency to blame others for your actions? Have you been forced into the blame game by an abusive person?

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13 Responses to The Blame Game

  1. Brenda R says:

    I got so tired of that game. Everyone was to blame except for the X. The kids, me, his boss got him so angry and that is why he said horrible things and got fired. It was never ending and to the point of being paranoid. If the kids and I were playing a board game and we stopped talking, we must have been talking about him. We actually had fun things to talk about and he was not fun.

    After 14 months of being apart and now divorced he still calls. I have blocked all internet contact points. He sadly said, “Thanks for blocking me”. It was not a true “thank you”, as in It is a wake up call. It was an, “I’m feeling sorry for myself because of what you’ve done to me”, kind of thank you. He said, “I don’t know what else I can do”, “I love you”. I had no response. I was not going to say one more time that he could go to counseling, he could have a genuine heart felt repentance, he could make amends to the kids for everything he said and did to them and me. I was not going to say one more word. If he can’t figure it out for himself, my repeating myself was not going to help. I am moving on. He quickly said, “I have to go now”. This time it was no longer a sad voice, it was cheery saying, “I will talk to you soon”. This after my saying that I wanted a good long break. Someone had to have come within ear shot and he didn’t want to sound sad anymore and I would imagine told them quite a different story of why he was even bothering with the likes of me. After all, I AM THE REASON FOR THE DIVORCE. The blame game never stops, but word of the things he still says do.

    • I can only imagine the frustration. Until he recognizes, acknowledges, and repents of the blame shifting you’re right the game continues. So glad you’re no longer playing. Prayers for continued strength and perseverance. Peace

  2. Tony says:

    Good post. Keep up the good work.

  3. BeginHealing says:

    Thanks for this post and your insight. I will pray that others truly hear what you have to say at the conference today and are moved to make some changes in their practices.

    Yes, I was and am the target of blame shifting. My h tells people he treated me the way he did because I was isolating myself from him. Well, of course I was isolating myself. Being around someone who rages on a regular basis makes it very difficult to be vulnerable and open. When sharing my feelings only lead to more rage, manipulation, and confusion I learned to keep my feelings to myself. I had to isolate and withdraw to survive. But he missed and misses the whole cause and effect in his rage and endless neediness and my need to isolate to find safety.

    • I’m not surprised. Many men I have worked with will offer excuses as if they had no choice. Obviously, if she is withdrawn/angry/resentful, then I must respond with abuse. What about focusing on your own heart, and treat her based on what is right? Nah, then it would be my fault. Thanks for the prayers, Peace.

  4. healingInHim says:

    I’ve allowed myself to be forced into blame game(s) by several abusive persons … didn’t realize what was going on … thought I was losing insight from the Word as “life” just seemed so chaotic. At first I kept thinking I had done something unscriptural, thus this is why “they”, “him” were playing out the way they did … I knew it was their sin(s) that needed to be dealt with but so much burden of turning the other cheek was placed on me. I finally reached a point that I had to confront the sins and thus was called out for not “appearing very meek and mild” and that I was blaming them for my confrontational dealings. (not sure if this made any sense?)

  5. Such a shame. The blame game is designed, in part, to create doubt. Sounds like it worked. As for “turning the other cheek” I’m always amazed at how we see that as passivity rather than resistance, but that is another blog for another day. Confrontation is required in these cases. Peace

    • Brenda R says:

      “turning the other cheek”

      I will look forward to that blog and what you have to say.

      • healingInHim says:

        Yes, RevChrisMoles – “turning the other cheek” would be a worthwhile study … and also extending prayers for your conference ministry … will online audio or video be available for this?

      • AJ says:

        I agree with Brenda! I would love to hear a turn the other cheek post. How it is taught from the puplpit at my former church is this. “Submission to those with evil intent has a way of activating their conscience.”
        “Love to your enemy is the most effective way to change their behavior”

        I don’t go there anymore. Also since we are making requests I would be very interested to hear how your church “confronts” an abuser. I was devastated by how my church “family” responded and when looking for a new church want to know what I should see.
        Blessings
        AJ

      • Brenda R says:

        Rev Moles,
        I think you’ve got your work cut out for you for a little while. : )

    • HIH – The Anger talk may be but the abuse session is a case study so I’m not sure if they will record it.

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