Greetings, thank you so much for checking out the blog again today. I have the awesome opportunity to attend and speak at Grace Bible Church in Bozeman Montana for their Biblical Counseling Conference beginning today. I would appreciate your prayers as I will be delivering a talk on anger and then leading a case study on domestic violence that afternoon. Peace, -Chris
“Acquitting the guilty and condemning the innocent—the Lord detests them both.” Proverbs 17:15
Among the most common responses I hear from men who abuse their partners is, “It’s not my fault.” There is always something or someone to blame. Many men will go to great lengths to show how innocent they are at the expense of others, circumstances, or substances. Most commonly men blame their partners.
“She pushed my buttons.”
“She attacked me first.”
“She made all this up.”
Often times they may also blame their circumstances or substances.
“I’d lost my job.”
“Our kids are out of control!”
“I was drunk/high at the time.”
The excuses vary but the motive is the same, I am not responsible for my actions. If an abusive person can effectively shift the blame then he removes the potential source of accountability that will confront his wrongdoing. That’s the goal isn’t it? If we choose not to accept responsibility for our actions, and the consequences our actions produce there is little hope for change.
The Power to Change
A man in our program said to me recently, “I was miserable trying to control everyone and everything. It was a trap, and I couldn’t get out until I recognized that I was the problem.” Freedom can only be found when we acknowledge that our actions, attitudes, desires, and beliefs are harming others. You must accept responsibility for your actions and stop the blame game. You see it’s not your partner’s fault that you hurt her, manipulated her, used her, or neglected her. Those were your choices. You’re not a toaster oven! You don’t have buttons to push. It also wasn’t alcohol, some other substance, or a poor circumstance that led you to your abuse. It was you. Oh I know you experience pressure and are tempted to explode but you can choose not to.
1Cointhinas 10:13 has a powerful reminder for you.
“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”
Notice there is no promise you won’t be tempted by your pride to control, demean, or hurt. There is also no promise that life will go your way and you won’t feel pressure. The promise is that you can endure the pressure, stand against the temptation. In other words friend, if you are a Christian you have no excuse, no right, and no permission to harm another person because you are uncomfortable. You are responsible for your actions. If you want to experience growth and change the time for blame is over, and the time for ownership is here.
What do you think?
Do you have a tendency to blame others for your actions? Have you been forced into the blame game by an abusive person?